I bet you thought this post was going to be about Wal-Mart.
Nope, sorry, you came to the wrong place. Instead its about values. (get the title now?)
Wal-Mart seems to have the whole values idea down pretty good. Me and that dumb smiley face are the best of friends.
Values start getting really shady when it comes to people though. Some will drop you with the first sign of trouble, some will pick on you, some will stick by you. People come in and out of your life on a daily basis. That dude that rung up my order at the 7-Eleven may never be seen again. That guy I cut off on the way to work may die later today. I’ll never know.
But I think above all other values and opinions, the one thing that should always come first is family. Right now mine is pretty messed up. In the scheme of things, like compared to many other families out there, it probably isn’t that bad, but in my opinion it’s hit an all time low.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last couple of days, and the amount of things that I regret doing or not doing between my friends and family is mind boggling. I don’t even feel like eating half the time now.
I remember a couple years back, when The John was talking about moving into an apartment in his brothers house, I said something along the lines of “watch out about making deals with the family…it can really fuck things up between you”.
I am not sure how true that held with him, but I know it sure as hell held true for me on numurous occasions, and this most recent one takes the all time cake.
Despite what it may look like sometimes, I don’t like fighting with people, not because I am afraid of getting my ass kicked or something, but I don’t like hurting peoples feelings. I think with my friends I am usually a relatively calm guy. I don’t think I ever really flip out on any of them, but whith my family its completely differant. They are the ones I am supposed to stick by and care about the most, and yet somehow they are also the ones that get to see the special “Family Edition” version of me. This version isn’t Triple C at all…..unless all the C’s were for differant words. I hate acting like that, and I hate the things I end up saying, but unfortunately I am a stubborn person, and on top of that, I expect certain things from people that “know” me.
1) My opinion should count for something
When I look, or talk to anyone in my family I don’t see any of those things. What I see instead is a group of strangers that all know each other.
In my high school (and most of yours) we had 2 lunches, basically half the school went to the first lunch, and half went to the 2nd. Every group of kids kind of had their own table, and thats where you always sat. But sometimes your 5th period teacher would be absent, and you would have to go to both lunches, and then things got weird because your friends might not be in that other lunch, so your stuck sitting at a table with a bunch of people that know each other, but don’t know you. They all talk and laugh and make plans and such….and you sit at the end waiting for the bell to ring.
Thats the way I view my family. for the last now 24 years I have been stuck in 2nd lunch when I should be in 1st lunch with all my friends. The people in 2nd lunch don’t know me. They have no reason to trust me, and they would obviously help out their friends before they would even want to look over at the weird kid sitting over at the end of their table.
Now imagine if that whole table is actually your family, and when you sat down, instead of saying hello, you would flip out on them if they made any form of a comment, like your always on edge, just waiting for a fight to start. If one person in my family was to make a joke, I would take it seriously and go into fight mode.
I dont know most of my family from a hole in the wall. If you were to ask me any of their birth dates, the only one I know completely, including year, is my brother. The other 4 people, I don’t even know the month in some cases.
And on the same side, they don’t know much about me either. How sad is it that up until about 2 months ago, I had no idea my father worked down the street from my work. You would think we would have lunch some time or something like that.
When you take into account that up until a few weeks ago, I lived in the same house with all but one of them, this whole thing is pretty sad. Then throw in a stupid fight about money, and now I don’t even want to go back there again. Both my parents are all stressed out about the entire thing, I havn’t really seen either one the way they are right now, the sister I live with, whom I am having the fight with I cant even say a word to, mostly because we are on differant skyscrapers, let alone levels on the way we think. I’ve said things that now that I think about are pretty horrible things to most of them, and I am just not happy with myself. Then to top if all off, every couple of months another member of my extended family gets crossed off the “talking to” list. 2 years ago my mothers whole side of the family, thats 14 people, all basically gave my mother the middle finger, and then to (in my opinion) spite her even more, they go and send my siblings and I birthday cards and such. Now it seems like I am taking on my only little downsizing plan with my fathers side. And everything is over the stupidest reasons.
Then there is my friends. John and Janelle have stuck by me, even though I hadn’t always to them. Ryan, Harold, and Eric all decided to “make amends” oddly enough, shortly after word got out that I had a girlfriend now. Am I supposed to forgive and forget? do I just do like it seems everyone else does and pretend nothing ever happened and try to be friends again? Then, here it is 3/1/2005, and I get an email from Toni saying “I know we don’t talk anymore but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday”. What am I supposed to say to that? am I even supposed to respond?
I don’t get what these people are even thinking. Did they all just need a vacation from me? I don’t think any of it makes any sense at all. I just don’t get what I am supposed to do at this point. Do I take the boxing gloves off, walk out of the ring, and go have a beer and say “nice fight!” then we are all friends like Rocky and Apollo Creed ended up? Or do I go to Russia and train for the fight of a lifetime? or do I just say “fuck it” and never leave Nashua?