Monthly Archives: March 2005

2 tons of muscle, pride, and accomplishment…or failure

I have been tossing back and forth in my head the idea of selling my truck the past couple months. Its a really tough decision in my mind, and I am not quite sure what I should actually do.

I can’t help but think of the episode of Home Improvement (yes I used to watch that show all the time) where Tim and the oldest son…the one with the mullet had finally finished the roadster they had spent years working on, and Tim made the mistake of selling it to Jay Leno. If you never saw that episode, the you wont understand what i am talking about.

In any event, this is my thinking:

Why sell it?
1) I am really trying to finally put myself in a better financial position in my life. I am real sick of oweing the Devlin Mafia money, and this could potentially help pay a decent sized chunk
2) I never have time to work on it anymore. Forget about the fact that it is cold and/or raining all the time, lately I havent even had time to watch TV.
3) Every time I see the truck I get stressed out at the fact I cant work on it
4) I have no garage….hence my working conditions suck

Why not sell it?
1) I have put a good 4 years hundreds if not thousands of hours into that truck.
2) Finishing the truck represents a huge accomplishment in my life.
3) Not finishing it represents a huge failure. It would prove many people right that I have tried very hard over the past 6 years or so to prove wrong about many things. It would be yet another thing that I started and never finished.
4) Money. I will never get back what I put into that truck. I didn’t keep track of how much I spent on it because in the end I knew I really wouldn’t want to know, but it is at least $15,000, maybe even $20,000.

What that number means represents the massive battle I have had…well made myself fight against my family and most of the world. What you think of that money invested in the truck directly reflects on what type of person you are, and how differant most likely we are from each other. Very few understand.

I decided to make a little pictoral story of the truck. If I decide to sell it, it might help me get somewhat of a better selling price, but at the very least maybe it will help some understand why people work get into projects like this.

the evil that lies within

I decided officially today that Massachusetts is full of assholes. I’ll admit it, I am one of them, but apparently it starts to slowly go away once you move.

Today I went to the RMV in New Hampshire to finally get my NH drivers license. The way things work in New Hampshire is that many things, like getting a new title, new car registration, transferring plates…etc are all done in the City Hall of the City you live in, so basically all you go to the RMV for is to get your drivers license. With the exception of the main RMV in Concord, all the other ones almost look like the little mall “mini-rmv’s” that Massachusetts has in some places.

Anyway, I head over to the RMV in Merrimack, and as my luck would have it, almost all the people that should have been working their were either sick or on vacation, and this one poor lady was stuck running the whole show.

Now before I get into it, I am a seasoned RMV goer. I have been to way more RMVs in Massachusetts than anyone ever should, and I have been there way too often. Every time I go, the person behind the counter is some miserable person that gives you attitude no matter what you are asking or how nice you are. There has been at least 3 times that I have gone into the Melrose RMV at like 8:30am, minutes after they opened for the day, and got attitude from the people behind the counter, and that is at the VERY BEGINNING of their day.

Also, Massachusetts has its shit together as far as running an RMV goes. They have that crazy automated ticketing system to handle your placement in line, and they have like 4-8 people working at once to get you in and out of the place in like 10 minutes.

Now back to Merrimack..

So this one lady is stuck working by herself all day, and the line was going out the door. Yet every once in a while, she would get up from her desk and tell everyone she apologizes for the wait, but she is the only one working today and Concord wouldn’t send anyone else down to help out, so if everyone could bear with her…blah blah blah…She would try to get to people as fast as she could.

Also, this lady was nice and courteous to each person that came to her counter, and what was even more odd, was that everyone that she helped was the same way. I felt like I was in some alternate universe. Everything from everyone was all please and thank you’s.

If that situation happened anywhere in Massachusetts, the person stuck working would have pulled the old Postal Worker routine and pulled out an Uzi or something and would have opened fire.

When my turn finally came, I said to the lady “you know, even though your stuck working by yourself today, and this place is packed, your still about 40 times nicer than the RMV’s in Massachusetts”

Since when do I talk to people? ahhhhh.

Oh, and get this, you know how in Massachusetts when you get your license, even if you go in to renew your old one, they give your one of those temporary learners permit style paper licenses? And they mail you your real credit card style license in the mail in a couple weeks?

New Hampshire prints the fucker out on the spot and hands it to you 2 minutes later.

The moral of the story is that I think Massachusetts is an septic tank that emits fumes of evil.

 

 

I bet Ted Kennedy has something to do with it.

For whom the bell tolls

yeah yeah yeah, I havn’t really been updating my blog lately. So shoot me.

So…I figured this would be as good an entry as any. For once I decided to take the “Constanza approach” from Seinfeld, you know, the episode where George does everything the opposite of how he normally would, and proposed to Aimee last night. All during a nice stroll home on route 3. It wasn’t exactly how I envisioned something like that happening, but that hasn’t been my style lately anyway. This must be more the “triple c way”.

Oh yeah, in cause you were wondering, she did says yes. So I didn’t have to fashion my belt into a noose like in Shawshank Redemption or anything like that.

I think that covers everything….

Winds of change

I think part of the fun of writing entries in my blog is coming up with titles. Anyone know where I stole this one from?

For the past 5 years or so, I have thought an aweful lot about why people do the things they do, how the progression of life and growing up works, and overall how people reach whatever destination (or destiny) is in store for them.

For instance, whether everyone believes it or not, virtually everyone is walking down the same worn down beaten path.
You go to school (k-12)
You graduate
You start life in a trade or
You go to college
You graduate college
you “join the real world” and start looking for the lifelong job
you save money
you buy a house
you get married
you have kids
you save for retirement
you turn 60
you retire
you move to florida and die.

This has never sat well with me. Why is it that most people look down upon the guy that started a trade? maybe a plumber or an electrician. Why does everyone have to go to college? why is it that everyone has to “pick their fate” and keep walking down that path?

Back in the day I used to watch Mad about You, mostly during school vacations and such. One of the charactors in the show, he was the neighbor or something, ditched his wife and took off, then like a year later, Paul Reiser runs into him in a diner in some other state. The dude was a bus boy. I guess he decided after he took off from his wife he would just “live life” and would go from town to town, state to state, doing whatever odd job he could find, not because he needed the money, but because he felt like it. For some reason that always stuck with me.

Why does this matter? I think it really stuck with me because at that point in his life, he finally broke free, he walked off the path and decided to make his own trail up the moutain of life. To me that seems like the best thing ever. He decided to give the finger to the world and their rules, and just did his own thing.

I think I have been fighting my own mini-battle against the world for that same cause. If 36 years from now I am doing anything remotely similar to my current job, I am going to kill myself, and demand my body be creamated and used in the rubber at a Nike factory. Who wants to have the same job, or even the same type of job for their whole life? is that even living? why is it that at 18, 21, 24 or any other age, your supposed to pick your fate out of book and put your hiking boots on and trudge up that same trail as the dude in front of you?

Now that after so many years the fog is starting to finally become a little less dense, I can start to see the new trail I want to blaze, but I cant help but feel like people keep handing me maps, and each map is secretly disguised to point me back towards that same damn trail everyone else is on.

What is obvious is that the uncertainty needs to go, throw away those maps, and I need to just stick to my instincts and do as I originally set out to do, and thats to blaze my own trail.

so its time to start packing my backpack, and set fire to the old trail

Watch out for falling prices

I bet you thought this post was going to be about Wal-Mart.

Nope, sorry, you came to the wrong place. Instead its about values. (get the title now?)
Wal-Mart seems to have the whole values idea down pretty good. Me and that dumb smiley face are the best of friends.

Values start getting really shady when it comes to people though. Some will drop you with the first sign of trouble, some will pick on you, some will stick by you. People come in and out of your life on a daily basis. That dude that rung up my order at the 7-Eleven may never be seen again. That guy I cut off on the way to work may die later today. I’ll never know.

But I think above all other values and opinions, the one thing that should always come first is family. Right now mine is pretty messed up. In the scheme of things, like compared to many other families out there, it probably isn’t that bad, but in my opinion it’s hit an all time low.

I’ve done a lot of thinking over the last couple of days, and the amount of things that I regret doing or not doing between my friends and family is mind boggling. I don’t even feel like eating half the time now.

I remember a couple years back, when The John was talking about moving into an apartment in his brothers house, I said something along the lines of “watch out about making deals with the family…it can really fuck things up between you”.

I am not sure how true that held with him, but I know it sure as hell held true for me on numurous occasions, and this most recent one takes the all time cake.

Despite what it may look like sometimes, I don’t like fighting with people, not because I am afraid of getting my ass kicked or something, but I don’t like hurting peoples feelings. I think with my friends I am usually a relatively calm guy. I don’t think I ever really flip out on any of them, but whith my family its completely differant. They are the ones I am supposed to stick by and care about the most, and yet somehow they are also the ones that get to see the special “Family Edition” version of me. This version isn’t Triple C at all…..unless all the C’s were for differant words. I hate acting like that, and I hate the things I end up saying, but unfortunately I am a stubborn person, and on top of that, I expect certain things from people that “know” me.

1) My opinion should count for something
2) trust
3) respect
4) fairness

When I look, or talk to anyone in my family I don’t see any of those things. What I see instead is a group of strangers that all know each other.

In my high school (and most of yours) we had 2 lunches, basically half the school went to the first lunch, and half went to the 2nd. Every group of kids kind of had their own table, and thats where you always sat. But sometimes your 5th period teacher would be absent, and you would have to go to both lunches, and then things got weird because your friends might not be in that other lunch, so your stuck sitting at a table with a bunch of people that know each other, but don’t know you. They all talk and laugh and make plans and such….and you sit at the end waiting for the bell to ring.

Thats the way I view my family. for the last now 24 years I have been stuck in 2nd lunch when I should be in 1st lunch with all my friends. The people in 2nd lunch don’t know me. They have no reason to trust me, and they would obviously help out their friends before they would even want to look over at the weird kid sitting over at the end of their table.

Now imagine if that whole table is actually your family, and when you sat down, instead of saying hello, you would flip out on them if they made any form of a comment, like your always on edge, just waiting for a fight to start. If one person in my family was to make a joke, I would take it seriously and go into fight mode.

I dont know most of my family from a hole in the wall. If you were to ask me any of their birth dates, the only one I know completely, including year, is my brother. The other 4 people, I don’t even know the month in some cases.

And on the same side, they don’t know much about me either. How sad is it that up until about 2 months ago, I had no idea my father worked down the street from my work. You would think we would have lunch some time or something like that.

When you take into account that up until a few weeks ago, I lived in the same house with all but one of them, this whole thing is pretty sad. Then throw in a stupid fight about money, and now I don’t even want to go back there again. Both my parents are all stressed out about the entire thing, I havn’t really seen either one the way they are right now, the sister I live with, whom I am having the fight with I cant even say a word to, mostly because we are on differant skyscrapers, let alone levels on the way we think. I’ve said things that now that I think about are pretty horrible things to most of them, and I am just not happy with myself. Then to top if all off, every couple of months another member of my extended family gets crossed off the “talking to” list. 2 years ago my mothers whole side of the family, thats 14 people, all basically gave my mother the middle finger, and then to (in my opinion) spite her even more, they go and send my siblings and I birthday cards and such. Now it seems like I am taking on my only little downsizing plan with my fathers side. And everything is over the stupidest reasons.

Then there is my friends. John and Janelle have stuck by me, even though I hadn’t always to them. Ryan, Harold, and Eric all decided to “make amends” oddly enough, shortly after word got out that I had a girlfriend now. Am I supposed to forgive and forget? do I just do like it seems everyone else does and pretend nothing ever happened and try to be friends again? Then, here it is 3/1/2005, and I get an email from Toni saying “I know we don’t talk anymore but I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday”. What am I supposed to say to that? am I even supposed to respond?

I don’t get what these people are even thinking. Did they all just need a vacation from me? I don’t think any of it makes any sense at all. I just don’t get what I am supposed to do at this point. Do I take the boxing gloves off, walk out of the ring, and go have a beer and say “nice fight!” then we are all friends like Rocky and Apollo Creed ended up? Or do I go to Russia and train for the fight of a lifetime? or do I just say “fuck it” and never leave Nashua?