Victorias Secret

So wednesday was my mothers birthday. 2 years ago I gave her a curio for her small Swarovski crystal collection, so since then every holiday that involves presents, I would just get her a new one of those, but I figured maybe a break was due.

The thing about my mother is that she doesnt ever tell us what she wants, so we are left fending for ourselves and looking for hints. So…on a tip from my sister Bethaney, I was informed that my mother wanted more of some perfume she likes called “Halo”, which is sold at Victoria’s Secret. Should be nice and easy right?

Not quite.

Unfortunately I have some complex with setting foot in that store. It close to terrifies me. I think I would actually be more comfortable being caught by my entire family in a porn store than be in Victoria’s Secret, as aweful a scenario as that would be.

So thats problem #1. Problem #2 is that I don’t get paid until 12:00am on Thursday, and as usual I am down to my last penny (my last 3 dollars to be exact) but luckily my boss paid me back some money he owed me, as a check. So before work on Wednesday, I head over to shithole Saugus Federal Credit Union and deposit the check in my checking account. This account was also empty.

Which then leads to my daily dose of “someone has to screw with me or the world stops”
This past 2 weeks it has been that my ATM card for this account at SFCU (that looks just lick FUCK YOU in my mind, which is great for a bank) doesn’t work. It occasionally works as a credit card, but I can’t withdraw cash, and have no way of knowing my current balance, aside from the deposit slip I just got. I went to the bank last week and they claimed “the strip was worn out and it probably wasnt reading right” I think that translates into bank talk to:
“I am a frigging moron, and I think you however, are more dumb than I, so believe my bullshit excuse and by the time you come back, chances are you will have to talk to someone else”.

So a new card is in the mail. For some reason it takes a month to get a new one, so I am fucked until then.

Which brings us to the present situation, of having to go into Victoria’s Secret. I was paranoid enough that I was going to go to pay for the perfume, and my card would get declined, and then I would have to run, so I came up with a brilliant idea. Use a check for the account. So off I go!

I figured I would call Suzanne, or “Zanne” as she seems to be called these days, and possibly make go in, or at least with me, but she apparantly was still working, so I was stuck to fend for myself, So I go to the Square One Mall, go to the entrance of Victoria’s Secret, take a deep breath, and dive in.

I go in there and just see bras, panties and other lingerie everywhere, and no perfume, which is disturbing enough because I have my mind set on a birthday present for my mother. The link betwee n lingerie and mother should never ever ever ever ever be made. My goal was to get in and out of there fast, and it wasn’t going good for me so far.

Then I see that there was a seperate section/store/entrance for the perfumes and stuff, so I head over there, where I am immediately attacked by a fairly attractive girl (mid 20’s i’d say), who asks if I need any help. At this point my complex is almost in full effect, and the temperature in the store suddenly goes from slightly uncomfortable 80 degrees, to a boiling hot 5000 degrees. I saw metal turning into liquid around me.

I stumble through saying “do you have some perfume called…..ummnnn…uhhhh….halo or something like that?”

She responds with sure, its right over here, and comes out from behind the counter. I swear she psyched me out and faked a left, and I ended up almost knocking her over. She laughed, and I cried, and the temperature then reached 6000 degrees. She brings me over to the “Halo section” and she shows me this gift sent thing that came in a purdy box and had some lotion with it to “for only $2 more!” So I bought that right up and she brought it to the counter. Now I get really nervous, becauase I am going to be paying by check with my shoddy account that barely works, although it definately has the $50 needed for the perfume in it. So she rings it up, asks for my license to take care of the check, I start to write the check and realize my hands are actually shaking. I think i was actually at risk for a stroke or something right then. It probably looked like I stole the check book and was really nervous about that. Realizing that only made things worse for me, I swear when I handed her the check, although I was trying with all my might to not do it, i think the check was trembling in my hand, my forehead was getting sweaty, and I was abou to die right there at the register.

Why do I have such a problem with this store?

So she is typing for what may have been 40 minutes on this touch screen, and to my horror then slides the check into the computer. It’s going to electronically transfer the money! nooooo! then I start hearing those unhappy beeps computers make when you do things wrong, and I am waiting for her to say something like “Sorry, the computer says your a deadbeat and don’t pay your bills, we can’t accept checks from you” but she pushes the touch screen for another 20 minutes and hands me my receipt. Success!

I pick up my balls and head for the door, still on the verge of a stroke.

Aside from this entire event, the saddest part is that I was probably in there for 5 minutes, and what is even more sad is that it took me another 20 minutes after I left there to calm down.

This is all just more evidence that I am a nut case. a psycho nut case that needs help

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