So this weekend, we go to visit Cheryl at the lovely Summer Shack, which we later realized is actually called the Summer Rack. Apparantly all the waitresses have the same “abnormalities”.
After we eat, Cheryl tells us she has 1 table left, and to go to kappys and then go to her house and start a fire in her back yard.
So we go to Kappys. I am wondering around picking my fate, and John and Janelle are in the back looking through the beer selection.
Meanwhile, the 2 guys minding the store are actually drinking up front where no one can sell them, yelling and joking around. From where I am, I can hear them but not seem them, and from John and Janelle are, they can hear yelling, but thats it. So John thinks the worst. He hears yelling, and he doesn’t see me, so he decides I am probably being held hostage by some robbers. When he told this later, I was suprised he didn’t think I was holding the store up. So while I am looking at the fine selection of liquor, janelle finds me, and from the back of the store whispers for me, and hurridly signals me to get back there. Then all of a sudden, john jumps out of nowhere, maybe from the ceiling, and with the look of death on his face, and tells me to get back there.
Apparantly we were under attack.
So I get back there, and he is like,
John: whats going on up there?
and still being oblivious..
Me: say, what do you mean?
John: I keep hearing yelling up there, is the place being robbed?
Me: what? no? haha, the guy was telling some crappy joke
John: he was? are you sure? I had the back door all staked out and was ready to bust out of here.
So we paid for our merchandise from the drunk (and high) salesman and left.
Now, in her back yard is this nice little metal fire pit type deal, maybe some day there will be a picture of it. Anyway, we grab some trigs, a log, paper, and leaves (because leaves are fun to burn) and try to get the fire going. Apparantly we all suck. the damn thing wouldnt light. The real problem is that all of us are too lazy to setup a real fire, and, its all wet out. So I do what any 23 year old male would do. Ask myself “what would McGyver do?”
I see the can of gasoline, a bucket of water, a propane tank, a grill, some random 2×4’s, a beer can, and one of those red party cups.
John’s idea (those damn engineers…) is to take the regulator off the grill, put it under the fire put, hook the other end up to the propane tank and screw making a real fire.
Personally I thought my idea was better (but more sane?). Fill the party cup with gas, and lob it into the embers of the fire from our previous failed attempt, and then run.
So…I proceed with my plan, and low and behold…nothing happens. From what I have understood throughout my life, gas + fumes + sparks or flames=big inferno. Apparantly not.
While standing there trying to figure out why the gas suddenly became non-flammable, the fire pit turns into a nice fireball, so we think everything is great, and that we have success! a fire.
but no. the fire just goes out minutes later. But I am still stuck on this whole gasoline plan, and worse, all that is left is the (almost) empty beer can, and I was curious if you fill a can with gas, then throw it in a fire…does the can explode? or does it just make the fire bigger. John and I can’t decide, and come to the conlusion a test is in order, so I fillt he can half way with gas…
now keep in mind that Cheryl, the owner of the apartment, still isnt home from work yet..
So me, being “safety conscious” has everyone back up, and I throw the can into the fire pit and run like a baby. As expected….nothing happens. zero. Not even a “poof”.
Now we have a big problem. A beer can full of gas, surrounded by at the very least glowing embers, and it is not burning. I tried fanning the fire, hoping that would make flames big enough to get the can, but nothing. John has the idea to take one of the 2×4’s and use that to push can around in the fire, and maybe empty it out.
Now the beer can is emptied out, and there is still no fire. fucking fire. Who fails at making a fire with a can of gasoline?
now Cheryl comes home, and decides to “buy wood” who does that? weird city people, thats who. Those same people that ride bikes through the city. So I go with Cheryl to “buy” wood. According to her, Home Depot was open 24 hours in her area, and Star Market usually has wood too. I decide Home Depot is a much better place to buy wood, because no matter what, there has to be something in that building that can be burned.
Try messing with that logic.
Of course Home Depot is closed, So we go to Start Market, and they have no wood. They have those duraflame logs, and thats it. But don’t worry, we got the colored duraflame logs. Who likes boring orange flames anyway!
so we get two of them, lite the corners of the duraflame log on fire, and put it in the pit that in theory still has “gas” in it. and sure enough, as expected, the “3 hours of burn time” duraflame log puts itself out within 2 minutes.
And thats when I started drinking. Stupid sexy flanders.
after John started working on it, and we threw both duraflame logs in there the fire finally started to pick up.
now…while this is going on. A couple people in the group kept commenting on how the neighbors fire was really going now, and we should go hang with them, because their fire doesn’t suck.
meanwhile, Cheryl for some reason had a hack saw, and I used it to cut up all the 2×4’s and we soon had a small bon fire.
now everyone is really liking this neighbors fire. Theirs is really going too! So everyone is looking at their fire (notice anything yet?) and I turn to John and quietly say
“I am going to end up sounding like an ass, but everyone knows thats the reflection of our fire right?”
hahaha…oh yeah, thats right. It was the reflection of our fire on the neighbors porch window or something. hahaha.
So now we are all happy. Life is good. Its a nice night out, we have a good fire going, we’re all just hanging around drinking, then someone notices the reflection of flashing lights on one of the neighbors houses, and then you hear the sound of the hydraulic breaks on a fire truck.
Now I think to myself..shit…this won’t look good, and go grab the gas can and the propane tank and hide them, and then go move everything as far away from the fire as possible.
See…look Mr. Occifer, we are responsible.
So the fire truck finally makes it to Cheryls house. It decided the street was too busy so it went around to the back instead. some guy comes over, and tells us to put the fire out, because in Watertown you arn’t allowed to have any open fires.
Then walks away…
So Cheryls boyfriend grabs the precious cooler full of water (how is that for foreshadowing!) that was being used to “collect rain water for the plants” and puts the fire out. Now Cheryl is unhappy about this. That was her plants water. Now what are they going to drink? Evian? Desani? that shit is dirty. Rain water is the way to go. Personally I think the fire truck should have put it out. It drove all the way over. Do some work.
And then out comes the crazy russians.
Russians you say? oh yeah…real ones. Broken english and all. Some russian couple lives in an apartment that overlooks Cheryls back yard, and apparantly the guy is a real light sleeper because he constantly complains, and yells, and threatens everyone. They have all failed in the past. John even had to escort him out of the back yard before. But this time this russian wasn’t messing around. Forget about the russian mafia, forget about the KGB…he sent his wife, and she was pissed.
The best thing about people with thick accents is that the louder/angrier/faster they talk, the less intelligible they are. This lady was rambling like no tomorrow. She claims she had called the cops, and her and her husband work all week, and he has to work tomorrow and this and that. We all do too, in fact some of us had to work the next day, and we were just talking outside, no music or anything. So just when you think it is over, the old crotchety man pokes his head out his window and starts yelling from a safe distance, while his wife was fighting the real battle on the ground (like how France operates)
They eventually went away.
And the constant threat of communism was put to rest for another week.